The Socialization Factor

The most-asked question I get regarding homeschooling is “How will your kids get any social interaction?” The majority of the time it isn’t a question so much as it is a declare-ogative, wherein someone asks a question when really they mean to state “My gawd, your kids are going to grow up to be freaks.”

I got a bunch of mail last week blasting me for choosing to teach my kids at home. One of my favorite responses came in comment form:

“I'm curious, what is your reason for homeschooling? Is it because you don't want to let go of him? Or maybe you're worried about letting him be around other children? Or maybe you don't want him to be open to views other than your own? I'd really love to hear the reasons you're preventing him from being a normal child and participating in this nation's education system.”

I wanted to say something ignurnt – how I pronounce “ignorant.” Hi! I’m from St. Louis! – something to the effect of “I’m more interested in hearing why I should have to sell you on a decision my family has made?” I love how the kids are classified as freaks. Somebody even e-mailed to call me "Norman Bates' mom" and I was all "Dude - did you just call my kid Norman Bates?"

My child is still participating in the national education system, just from a different classroom. I have to follow the same regulations and laws of other educational facilities. I have to keep the same records, submit (homeschooling laws vary by state) to the same testing.

I’ve said it before; I have nothing against public schools. I LOVE me some public schools. I proudly attended a public school and lookit! People pay me to write from home in my pajamas! I just don’t believe that public or traditional schooling is the panacea for the ages and I don’t believe that it’s the best educational approach for every child. Just as homeschooling doesn’t work for every family, neither does traditional education.

Plus, public schools are different than they were ten years ago. I don’t regard them as student refuges of free thought anymore.

Liam has an insatiable desire to learn. He doesn’t look at school work as “work,” he looks at class work like it’s a fun project. I do not want his desire to learn to be crushed or bogged down by an educational system unable to cater to each individual student (personal attention, talent and skills, and help). Liam showed talent in music early; I don’t want a mammoth learning facility to neuter his abilities or gifts because they may lack the ability to provide encouragement.

I’m also vehemently against the idea that children should be socialized via schools. Schools are a place for learning, not for institutionalized socialization – which is a reason our schools are a collective battleground in the great ideological war, the adults’ war. I don’t want my kids caught up in that.

Homeschooled kids are not without a plethora of opportunities for socialization. I’ve discovered that the hardest part of incorporating social activities is knowing when to draw the line. I could plan a playgroup, field trip, or attend an event with my homeschool co-op nearly every day of the year. Liam has soccer practice, he begins karate in a month, piano lessons, attends Sunday school and Wednesday night classes, and enjoys a bi-weekly playgroup; also the neighbor kids are ALWAYS AT MY HOUSE. Homeschooled kids learn quickly how to get along with people of every age, creed, ethnicity, etc. because they have endless opportunities to step outside the box.

The person who said that kids should only socialize with a limited group of their peers is psycho. I cannot think of anything more hellacious than thirty five-year-olds cooped up in one room. They learn peer pressure and how to socialize with other five-year-olds only. I don’t get how that form of socialization is superior. If I’m cooped up in the house with my kids for one day I start talking like they do. It’s frightening.

Homeschooling isn’t for every family, every parent, or every kid. It’s a personal family choice. My kids aren’t freaks because they are/will be homeschooled, they won’t grow up to live in a shack and mail letter bombs to people, and I’m not a nutjob. I made a decision with the support of my husband, we’re confident that it’s the best decision for our family right now. I preschooled Liam at home this past year to test my ability as a homeschooling parent and it was a phenomenal success. I’m stoked to see what Kindergarten will bring.

I'll tackle the whole "viewpoints" question and other reasons why I homeschool in future posts.

Bonus! Visit the ClubMom homeschool forum.

Comments

[jaelithe]

Something I find very, very interesting regarding the homeschooling issue: until it sort of fell apart recently when the moderator moved out of state, I used to belong to a parenting group that included mostly non-Christian parents (some atheists, some humanists, some self-identified neo-pagans, etc).

Despite having different religious beliefs than you do, many of the parents in that group have decided to homeschool for almost exactly the same reasons you have: they feel that public schools have become sub-par; they worry that their children's individual talents will be stifled and individual needs ignored in such a regimented cookie-cutter system; and they fear that their children will be upset and confused by ongoing the cultural and theological warfare being waged in public schools by parents and the adults controling the system.

Isn't it interesting that people of all sorts of religious backgrounds are choosing to keep their kids out of public school in part because they don't want their children to have to deal with adult-driven cultural and religious discrimination and conflict?

I am beginning to wonder just whom the current system IS working for . . .

[Mel]

Our kids were "socialized" by bullies through the fifth grade in public school. So we are now schooling them at home. My other son, now 8, still attends public school where he's thriving. But socialization? I think of that only as a negative, not a positive.

[Ute]

Oh my... I had applied to write the homeschooling blog for clubmom and was rejected. And now I know why. You write so well... I like your sense of humor, and I'll be happy to come back and see what homeschooling is going to be like for you.

[Politically Incorrect Mom]

I think when someone says, "I've chosen to homeschool" a lot of people seem to hear, "I think you're a real idiot for sending your kids to those gross, rotten cesspools of disease and sin that pass for public schools."

Really both can be a good choice. I have been considering homeschooling since my first was born and now that he's ready for kindergarten this fall, we are absolutely certain that homeschooling would NOT be the best option for HIM for a variety of reasons.

But I'm still fascinated by the whole idea so I'll be back!

[Sarah]

I homeschool two 5 yr olds. :) Looking forward to reading your blog regularly. It has some great stuff so far.

[Vee]

Well said. I wish my back bone would have been firmer when I wanted to home school my son 7 years ago. Had I had your verbal ability, I may have been able to convey to my husband and family how important home schooling was to me.I gave in and regret it to this day.

[Loni]

Very good answers and so well said.

We have homeschooled our children over the past 14 years. They are very active in church, have been in a homeschool band (of now over 500 kids), and help with our home businesses and meet the public on a regular basis. Because we homeschool certainly does not mean we are better or even can protect them from everything. Our 16 year old son died recently from the "choking game" which we had never heard of. We hope and pray we can meet the needs of our children individually, and work with them wear they are weak, and encourage them even more where they are strong. Nope, it's not for everyone, but I am thankful it was/is for us!

[Becki]

I'm sure there are parents out there who homeschool for the wrong reasons, or with insufficient resources. And I know homeschooling is not for my family, at least not right now. But the majority of homeschooling families I've met have been doing an awesome job, have and have polite, well-socialized children who are performing above grade level. I think it's pretty darn rude for people to imply that a choice is wrong or weird for another family just because they can't see it working for theirs.

[Ute]

Okay, this is weird. Ute's and Mel's posts got mixed up somehow. I am Ute and I posted "Oh my.... " I did not post what it says I posted about having a son who is going to school... I DO homeschool my daughter though. How did that mix up happen?

[Ute]

And now Ute shows up as Becki. Hello! Something is really wrong here.

[Ute]

Okay, never mind! LOL I got it mixed up... didn't see that the names come AFTER the post. Please delete if you can. :)

[Missie]

I homeschooled my son in first and second grades and loved it. By third grade, he really wanted to try public school, so there he went for third and fourth. We may decide to hs again in the future, and as I now have an 11mo old daughter, I may be doing it for her too. But it is such an individual decision for each family to make, there is no one blanket right answer for all.

Well, I take that back. I think one right answer would be to overhaul our nation's public school system and make the standards for children and those who teach them higher. Our educational system is no longer what it once was.

I am glad I hs'd our son. Loved that time with him. And socialization? My kid wouldn't know a stranger..he's friends with everyone. That argument is just plain stoooopid. ;)

[Bob Agard]

My wife and I homeschool our 6, 12, 14, and 16-year-olds, and will add our 4-year-old next fall. We also do foster care, and I have started to write down my thoughts about foster care in my blog. I welcome anyone who is curious to www.bobagard.blogspot.com.

[Carrie K.]

Great post.

[Wacky Hermit]

I would like to share my experience with "socialization".

My daughter has a late fall birthday so she missed the cutoff for Kindergarten, but she was in every way ready to start Kindergarten at age almost-five. No public school would take her because her attendance would not be funded by the state, and we couldn't afford private school, so we homeschooled her. I then went to the principal of our local public elementary to ask if she could be admitted directly to first grade.

The principal was in my church congregation so I knew where she lived. When she didn't return my phone calls I knocked on her door. She tried to explain to me how vastly important it is that children attend Kindergarten and not go directly to first grade, even though they are testing on the second grade level. Her main point was that Kindergarten is for "socialization." I asked her to give an example of the social skills Kindergarten supposedly imparts, and she mentioned the ability to wait your turn.

This whole time my daughter was standing quietly by my side, holding her library book and waiting to be called on to speak.

The principal went on to complain about how this "socialization" must be necessary because so many people are rude nowadays. By this point I had realized it was useless to try to talk sense into this woman, so I only wondered to myself how many of the rude people she decried had gone to Kindergarten, and what that statistic would say about the efficacy of Kindergarten in teaching people how not to be rude. Evidently elementary school is not the place where logical thinking skills are taught.

[Rebecca]

I agree with everything y'all have said, but I would like to point out two things:

~ because public school is not necessary for "socialization", it is easy to overlook our (own and our children's) very real social needs. Home CAN be a very lonely place.

~ I have recently begun to notice the pendulum swinging from polite, well-behaved homeschooled children to children who have no concept of manners whatsoever: thinking they can have whatever they want as long as they ask, interrupting speakers, etc.

Great post!

[Mark M]

We also home-school - and hear the "socialization" question frequently. I am not concerned about Daniel and Sarah receiving sufficient socialization - I am concerned about the amouunt of inappropriate, non-supervisored, peer-to-peer socialization that occurs in the mass education factories of today's educational institutions (and private schools are only moderately better than public in this regard).

We have many friends whose children attend public and/or private schools. We hear stories frequently from them concerning activities that would shock you - all from non-supervisored, peer-to- peer interactions. (Like the time a seven year old girl asked her mother, while standing in line at McDonalds "Momma, since I'm an only child, does that mean Daddy only put his ___ in your ___ one time?" Knowledge she had received from her eight year-old friend while on the school playground.

The list could go on and on. Modern, mass-environment, age-segregated, public education has been an invention of the last 150 years - think about it people. The old one-room schools always had mixed ages interacting with each other - which is what happens in most home school environments - especially if you are involved with a co-op or enrichment group.
Are we that satisfied with the educational results of the last 150 years to say that the methods used before then were invalid?

[Melissa Wiley]

Great post, Dana. It's amazing that the socialization straw man never seems to die.

Wacky Hermit, your story about the principal and "kindergarten is for learning to wait in line" is hilarious! And sad, too.

I'm enjoying your blog, Dana—it's great to see so many perspectives on homeschooling here. I'm at The Lilting House here at ClubMom. Nice to meet you!

[Karen E.]

Great post!

We homeschool for many of the reasons you mentioned. When my daughter was reading "Little House" books at age 5, but was required to do reading worksheets in Kindergarten class ("You may not go play until you find the word 'green' and color the leaf,") I knew something had to change.

And, yes, the only socialization problem we have is not giving in to every great club, field trip, and extracurricular activity that comes our way.

[Patti]

I think it's awesome that you home-school! I think home-schooled kids do just as good or better than public/private schooled kids. There are too many bullies at public schools. Who wants their kids to "socialize" with them?

[Wayne S. Walker]

I am not a homeschool mom but a homeschool dad. We also live in the St. Louis, MO, area, and I came across your blog by doing a search on Homeschooling/St. Louis, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, as well as the other comments. Thank you for taking the time to enunciate so well on this subject.

[Mardi]

Thank you, you have given me the confidence to homeschool. I was wondering about the socialisation aspect. You have convinced me that school is NOT the only way.
Thank you thank you thank you. And best wishes on your journey.

[Savana]

hey, look, i am about to finally get out of highschool and when i look back over the years i wish my mother had homeschooled me. School doesen't give you freedom to really think, and i always felt pressure to be like everyone else. I am so different from kids at my school simply because of how i was raised. I don't plan on ever following the public norm, simply because I enjoy my freedom. What I am saying is, Your doing a great thing for your kids, maybe when their older they would like to go to a public school but teaching them at such a young age to think on thier own is the smartest thing you could do. So Good Luck!

[Robin Sampson]

The link is to a cartoon on homeschool and socialization on my site I thought you'd enjoy.

Enjoying your blog. Can you email me? I have a private question.

Thanks,
Robin

[Jason Holm]

Hi, there! I've recently started a comic strip about homeschooling called "Schools Are For Fish". You can check out the first comic (which is about socialization) on my new website:
http://www.inflatablestudios.com/
This is the first of many future comics to come. Hope you enjoy them, and feel free to reprint them!
-Jason Holm